Love, What's Love
by AShauni21
Summary: Collection of drabbles focusing on their pasts and the emotional bonds and between the guys. Chapter 7. Oh poor angsty Hakkai.....
1. Chapter 1

**_Authoress Notes:_** I don't exactly know what this is. Too long to be a drabble... and not exactly my idea of a one-shot. But oh well what can you do when your muse starts gnawing at your leg and won't stop until you write something. Evil muse.

**Disclaimer:** No I do not own Saiyuki.

_**Love, What's Love**_

_**By**: AShauni_

He sat across from me, looking the perfect giggalo; cigarette resting in his mouth, arms sprawled out behind his head, and his cream colored button up shirt open exposing his chest. The crimson of his eyes rested on me as I recounted to him the worst day of my life. The faces of my victims still fresh in my mind as they begged for mercy and my unwavering rage as I ruthlessly drove in my blade. I told him he was an admonishment to me, that his red hair and eyes were a constant reminder.

How ironic that my savior that fateful night should remind me of the very sins I had committed , the thousand demons that I killed for the sake of my own greedy little heart .I loved Kanan dearly but in truth it wasn't her death that sent me into that murderous rampage, it was the anger at myself for not being able to protect her that took me over the edge.

Never before had I bared my soul so readily to another being besides my dear Kanan. If I had been more myself I would have analyzed this point further; why did I feel so at ease with this man, why was I baring my soul to a stranger? However I was not myself and I pushed these thoughts away, I was merely grateful for his soothing presence.

So as I sat there and told him my deepest, darkest sins, he told me of his own bloody past. Although his sin was only the fact that he was born.

' _It seems love was the source of both our pain. The love I couldn't win; the love you couldn't protect.'_

And in that moment I knew we were irrevocably bound, that it was fate or destiny that had brought us together that night. I knew in that moment, he needed me as much as I needed him. He may have saved my life that night, but I think we could end up saving each other.


	2. To Hold Nothing

**_Authoress' Notes: _**I don't know exactly where this came from, but I hope you like it anyways.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Saiyuki. No profit is being made from this.

**Warning: **No real spoilers to speak of, but my version of the end.

_**To Hold Nothing**_

" _You still don't get it do you..." _

'I do get it, you maniacal bastard.'

That mans voice still resonated through his head. Years after the battle had been won, long after he had lost the fight, he still couldn't get rid of that bastard's voice. Like a cough that you just can't shake. And it always reminded him.

He told himself he didn't care, that they had made their decision. That they were the ones stupid enough to...

But he didn't care. It didn't concern him. It was nobodies fault but their own.

Golden, innocent eyes didn't haunt his sleep. He didn't smell the disgusting sent of cheap cigarettes and sex. He didn't have anyone to nag him like a mother hen.

"_I have only lost my bet ...what have you lost?"_

'I haven't lost a goddam thing.'


	3. Strength?

**_Authoress' Notes: _**This is a story focusing on Kannan and her thoughts during her ordeal. I've seen a few fics on her and they portray her as emotionally weak, I thought the opposite and well this is the result. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** Do I wish I owned Sanzo, of course. Sadly I will never have him or Saiyuki. The boys rightfully belong to Kazuya Minekura.

_**Strength**_

_**By: AShauni**_

I can't feel anything anymore. My mind is thankfully numb now. I can almost block it out and if I try really hard I can forget it and pretend that this is some horrible dream. That I will wake up in a cold sweat and Gonou will comfort me and let me cry in his arms.

The hard concrete is cold and unforgiving on my battered body. They gave me a cot but I refuse to use it..._he_ used it once to play with me. This cell is dark and so very suffocating. The cold floor will not let me have my dream, it brings me back to reality, but I still refuse to use the cot.

I believe that Gonou will come for me. I know that with all my heart. He will kill this entire clan for me. So much blood will be shed for me...

And then he will take me in his arms and... and what Kannan , I ask myself. Do I actually think we can live happily ever after. Do I really think that I can go back to the way things were?

Oh God, I'm actually crying again. I told myself I wouldn't cry anymore.

I can't let him hold me...not after everything that I've done...everything that has been done to me...

I think that I'm carrying the spawn of that monster in my womb. Gonou, I tried to be strong and wait for you, but I just can't live like this. I refuse to leave this place with you and still let that monster haunt me, haunt us. I don't think even with your love I can ever forget this place and what has happened to me. I don't want to be a shell for the rest of my life, I don't want to be bitter and angry. You deserve better than that, someone who can fully give you everything they possess. And ...I just can't do that anymore Gonou.

I've made up my mind Gonou, the first chance I get I'm going to end my life and the life of the..._thing_ growing inside me. Even when you come for me, you can't save me Gonou. I have to be strong and end this. You have to be strong and let me.


	4. Without the Sun

_**Without the Sun**_

He could see it. The sun that shone with so much brightness, sweeping over the mountain top landscape, casting shadows and warming the earth.

Something deep inside him ached, every time he saw the first rays of the sun. A part of him that was locked away; the part of himself he knew was the reason he was in this cave in the first place. A part of himself that felt as though he lost something that he could never have back...something important. Something he couldn't help but yearn for, grieve for.

The worst part was that he could never feel the warmth, the rays of the sun, he could look but never touch. They never reached him here and he only had the cold rock of his prison to try to keep him warm.


	5. Thorn Within

**_Authoress' Notes:_** This little drabble was inspired by a song of the same name. It's the first thing I've written about Nataku and I was really just trying my hand at his character, so let me know how I did. Constructive crit is more than welcome, but very much appreciated.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Saiyuki...le sigh...

_**Thorn Within**_

I knew all along father. Your lust for power and your plan for me. Every mission that was thrust upon me, every demon that I was forced to kill. It was all a stepping stone to the throne for you. I knew you would be the death of me, that in the end I was nothing more that a means to an end for you. I was never really your son. Not in your eyes.

Knowing everything that I did, I still could never defy you. Could never give up on the hope that one day you would see me as your son. A child that needed nothing more that to be a child.

That is why I gravitated to _him_. In so many ways he reminded me of what I could never be. Carefree, naive, and innocent. That's why I couldn't kill him.

Please understand father I couldn't kill him and I couldn't defy you. I had no other choice. Please forgive me for doing what I have done.


	6. Through the Eyes of a Hostage

**_Authoress' Notes: _**This kinda contains Spoilers for the Gaiden Manga, but it's not like we all don't know what the end result was. And a cookie to whoever figures out who the hostage is.

_**Through the Eyes of a Hostage**_

_By Ashauni_

I know that the particulars of this story will never leave this room. That the men here, including myself will not survive past this moment in time. And if by some miracle we do make it out of this cluttered office we will not escape the divine judgement that will surely follow.

So I chronicle this moment in time and take in every detail that I can because I know that as much as I don't want to be here I am irrevocably a part of it. This is more than likely the end of my life, a life I thought would never end. However looking back on the events of the past months, this is the only way it could end.

The boy is lying on the, floor blood staining his clothes, wild long hair splayed around his body , writhing in a cold sweat. Konzen is leaning over him looking every bit the concerned parent. Tenpou is quickly thumbing through the books in his collection trying to find a way to bring the boy back to his senses. And that idiot Kenren is just standing there, concern and helplessness ever present in his eyes.

And then there is me, bound and gagged on the floor of Tenpou's office, a hostage of these three lunatics. Dragged into a situation that I want no part of. I silently send a prayer to the Merciful Goddess to for once live up to her title and make sure in my next life I have nothing to do with these bastards.

But for some reason I don't think that's going to happen...


	7. Weakness

**_Authoress' Notes:_** I literally almost started crying as I was writing this. So if you notice the quality of writing goes down in the second half, that's why. I guess this is a companion piece to _Strength_.

_**Weakness**_

It was there in her eyes. Sadness and regret so deep that for the first time in his life it hurt to actually look at that beautiful face. Green eyes, so much like his very own, told him everything that he needed to know. He was too late to save her.

He fought that realization, fought it with every ounce of his being as if it was the demon that had taken her from him in the first place. Because he knew that he could not bear to lose her. She was his life, the only thing that ever mattered to him.

He pushed all these thoughts to the side except for one. Kanan, only she mattered, now, as it had always been. With the strength that only the thought of her gave him he embraced her trembling figure. He didn't care that it was through prison bars he just needed to hold her, needed to know that she was alright. He needed to hear her voice, needed her arms around him. He needed all of these things like an addict needs a fix.

"Kanan..." He said as if it was the holiest of names.

"...oh Gonou..." She tightened her arms around him awkwardly through the bars. He felt her arms moving soothingly across the expanse of his back. The broken sound of crying echoed through out the hollow room and it took him a moment to realize that it was him that was sobbing.

"Lets go home Kanan..."

"Gonou..." He felt those arms move lower and he felt the dagger being taken pulled out of his pants. But he didn't actually register these movements until she pulled away from him.

"...Gonou, I can't go home with you." Her voice cracked and her tears flowed freely down that beautiful face. "I'm carrying the...spawn ..of that monster."

She raised the dagger to her neck...

"No! Kanan, please don't...!"

Helpless.

"I'm ...so ..sorry Gonou."

Weak. To weak to save her from that monster. To weak to save her from herself.


End file.
